by Daclaud Lee
I am assuming that you are here because you are researching suicide? The terrifying thoughts of suicide have often crossed my mind too. I am no stranger to the mental anguish of depression and soul crushing pain of loneliness. It is like a wicked blade that stabs into the heart sadistically, and the despair that it brings is unyielding. I know this feeling well, because I am feeling it now as I write this.
If you have stumbled upon this page, then I know the pain and misery you must be going through. But I also know that you are looking for a way to stay alive and a reason to live. I cannot give you a reason to live, I am nobody important and I'm definitely not God. The truth is, if I died today, I'm pretty sure not very many people would really give a shit. Sure, maybe some people will, but for the most part, most will not even notice. But, I still choose to stay alive and I constantly look for more reasons to live and to be happy.
I don't have a solution to your problems. Hell, I can't even find a solution to my own problems (I try not to have very many problems, but they happen). Depending on your situation, suicide may very well be the answer (I hope not, but I can't stop you). I'm certainly not here to stop you, that's on you. I am also not here to judge, but I for what it's worth, I suppose I can try and help. I'm mainly just here to speak my mind. If it's helpful, then great, if not, then maybe you should look elsewhere for the answers (maybe there is no answer and no solution). All I can do for you or myself is to share the ways I continue to beat suicide each time the nightmarish feelings of isolation, depression and loneliness decide to creep up on me.
Throughout my life, I have had many ups and downs. As humans, we can experience a wide variety of emotions. More often than I would like, during any moment in time, life truly can feel unbearable and the only thing I want to do is die and cease to exist. Life can have some really fucked up moments (believe me, I know) that are out of your control, which may cause your world to crash and burn. I have felt it and so have many other people. We all suffer in our own ways. Even the happiest person on the exterior is capable to feeling depressed. Our problems may be unique, but we are not alone in our suffering. Many of us suffer in silence. I know I hide things well.
I am very cynical. I tend to believe that most people won't give a shit about me. This is because I have abandonment issues and I also have issues with rejection (I can handle it, but it doesn't get any easier, no matter how many times it happens). They tell you to be strong and thick skinned. I believe I turned myself into a thick skinned beast, but even the most savage of beasts will cry when they are wounded.
To anyone I have met (depending on who and how I was perceived at the time), I may appear as a happy man, a serious man, a gloomy man, a humorless man, a funny man, a silly man, a suave man, a confident man, an awkward man, a shy man, a social man, an ugly man, an attractive man; I am all of these things, but never at the same time. I may even be perceived as a bit of a douche bag because I often have the need to validate myself by bragging. I can be arrogant, annoying, distant, indifferent. On the positive side, I can be kind, loving, gentle, loyal, caring and I have been told that I can be a really cool guy if you get to know me. I can be fearless and I can be cowardly. I can also be angry, with a rage that could cause mass destruction, I could torture and kill if I was pushed in the wrong direction, but these are just human emotions and they have all defined me at one point. I am human after all.
I am not writing this because I seek sympathy, I am writing this, because I need to voice my opinion. Quite frankly, I don't give a shit whether or not this article helps anyone; I hope it does, but I've never been successful at helping anyone in my entire life and I feel like no one trusts my opinions anyway because I'm a nobody. I am mainly just sick of not having a voice and I'm sick of keeping my thoughts bottled up inside. The negative emotions eat away at my heart and soul and I feel like I could be losing my humanity each time it chips away. I may have written this too arrogantly to be helpful, but arrogance is my nature even though I try to be humble.
I bought my first hand gun as soon as I turned 21. I still remember vaguely the conversation I had with the salesman. He was a young man like myself (at the time), probably a few years older, but he was definitely not over 30. From our conversation, he believed me wanting a firearm for self protection, that I had wanted to take down an intruder and make sure that he never got up again. I told this gun salesman it was my first time buying a gun and that I wanted something really powerful, but easy to use. If the salesman knew I wanted to kill myself, then I'm sure he would not have sold me the gun. But, he had the perfect gun in mind for me; a Glock 20, 10mm pistol. He had explained that it had the capability of taking down a Black Bear. This was what I wanted. I wanted something that was full proof. I wanted something that would guarantee death and not allow me a chance to survive, which was why I didn't want a 9mm or a .32, but a 10mm was supposed to be able to take down a Black Bear, so I figured it would be able to kill me, because I was not as strong as a Black Bear.
I just needed to aim for the heart.... My heart, which had been broken numerous times throughout my short life (and would continue to get broken for well past the next decade and then some). A heart break may seem trivial to many, but for me, it was like the end of the world. Everyone experiences the world in a different way, you can judge me and call me a moron. but I already know I was stupid and nearly made the dumbest decision of my life. I learned a valuable lesson after this; that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I will never get used to the feeling of heart break, but it seems like this is the direction relationships are going. It can happen a million times, but for some reason, I am wired to want a relationship, so I constantly seek out women for one. Eventually, after some duration of time, they all seem to toss me away like a sack of garbage. I am tired of this feeling, it breaks my heart each time. It hurts like hell, but I keep moving forward. Either my heart is strong for being able to endure the pain or I'm too much of a coward to end the misery of having to jump through hoops just to have a relationship. Maybe I'm a little bit of both. As ridiculous as it sounds, this is just the way my mind works. I cannot control how I truly feel, not matter how I force myself to. I can only suppress it and hide it from the world.
As I've said, it's been more than a decade since I bought my first gun. As a matter of fact, I will never see much of my 30's again, which means I'm doing well, right? At least I know time is still moving forward and I still exist. I didn't kill myself back then and I certainly don't plan on killing myself now. I had the reckless courage to point the barrel of the gun right at my heart, but I never actually had the actual courage to pull the trigger. I couldn't do it then, and I can't do it now. Do I still want to? Yes, but now I know that these are only passive suicidal thoughts and I'm never going to actually follow through. I often feel like I have no better choice but to live.
1. Having hope will help you get through hard times.
I am not a religious man, but I hope to God (assuming that God actually exists) that he is truly merciful and not the sick bastard that I imagine him to be. One day, I hope that my future self will find the love of my life and later become a father to an amazing child (or more), have a family, a home, own nice cars, have rental properties for residual income, a lasting career and maybe even grand children one day. This is what I hope for. I don't know whether or not I will obtain these things, but I really want them. The old cliché is that it is never too late, but come on, be real. There will come a point in time where it is too late. Even if I did manage to meet a fertile 23 year old at the age of 55, I will most likely not be to be much of a father to my son or daughter, because I'll be long dead when they reach their 20's and 30's. Maybe if for some miracle, I actually live to be 100, then maybe I will see some grand children, but this may not be the case. So therefore, it is best to have hope, but also have realistic expectations too.
2. Saving money and having goals will give you a purpose in life.
Having goals is important. If you do not have goals, then you have no reason to live. Having a goal (or multiple goals) in life will give you a purpose and a drive to succeed. I know that I need to accumulate as much wealth as I can because I discovered that having money does indeed make me happy. I could not imagine being poor and depressed, that would be a much worse scenario. Some will argue that money does not bring you happiness, but to me, this is a pointless argument, because I will always disagree. I have proven to myself over and over again that money can indeed buy the things that make me happy. Sure, the feeling of happiness may only be temporary, but it's at least better than nothing at all. Therefore, if you are poor and depressed, then you have to get unstuck and move up. Now, you don't have to be rich, but you should at least be able to have enough money to live a comfortable life.
As I have said, having money can indeed make you happier, albeit indirectly. The thrill of having a new toy (this can be new clothes, jewelry, electronics, cars, or actual toys) can mean the difference between life or death to some people (it does for me). For example, if I could not fund my hobbies, then I would definitely be less happy. My hobbies are a bit expensive, but I am thrilled to buy something new each week. I find that my happiness can correlate to my ability to buy more things, eat better food and experience more of life. If you have money (you don't necessarily have to be rich) and also happen to be depressed, then you have more options to get out of the depression and would be less likely to commit suicide because you have the means to obtain better quality mental health treatment than someone who does not have money.
The accumulation of wealth is necessary in order to achieve all the goals that I want. When I say I want a family, wealth and to retire with a bunch of rental properties, residual income and a happy life, I don't just say it, I go for it. Even when I'm depressed, I know that money is necessary to be happy and it certainly is essential to one day raising a family. Therefore, I work hard to advance my career as far as I can go. I also got a second job on the weekends to occupy my time, so I don't have to feel so alone all the time. I also earned how to invest in stocks for both long term and short term gains, how to open up an IRA for my retirement, and I am just now learning real estate investing. I also budget my expenses and keep track of my savings. I created this website with my best friend. Every dollar can potentially add up to your future plans. You want to have a savings, a plan of action and a financial goal. These things may not necessarily make you happier, but it can encourage you to live longer, because you have something to look forward to.
3. Loneliness is unfortunately a harsh reality.
Loneliness can be an awful feeling. For me, it seems like a fate worse than death, because I found myself wishing for death a million times whenever I felt lonely. As a motivational tool, I have tried to make myself accept that loneliness is just a part of life.
This quote by Lestat in Queen of the Damned 2004 is my favorite quote and has kept me motivated to stay alive.
“There comes a time for every vampire when the idea of eternity becomes momentarily unbearable. Living in the shadows, feeding in the darkness with only your own company to keep, rots into a solitary, hollow existence. Immortality seems like a good idea, until you realize you're going to spend it alone. So I went to sleep, hoping that the sounds of the passing eras would fade out, and a sort of death might happen. But as I lay there, the world didn't sound like the place I had left, but something different. Better. It became worthwhile to rise again as new gods were born and worshipped. Night and day, they were never alone. I would become one of them. ”
Now, obviously I'm not a vampire (believe me they are not real, just fiction and fantasy), but I can relate to this 100%. This quote keeps me going. It helps me rethink suicide each time I read it aloud.
Queen of the Damned, 2004 made my Top 10 Horror Movie List.
4. There are very few hermits. Most of us need a sense of community...
Once you've accepted loneliness as a natural part of life, it is time for you to go out and not be lonely anymore. Personally, I hate being alone more than anything. I also hate being bored more than anything. Loneliness and boredom are never a great combination, because it often leads to depression. This is why I go out there and make friends. I have come to accept the fact that not everyone will give a shit about me and not everyone will want to be my friend, much less even an acquaintance, but the only way to make friends and to find someone who gives a shit about you is to be active within the community. This can be volunteering, going to church, going to festivals, and my personal favorite, meetup groups (www.Meetup.com).
If you don't want to be lonely, then you have to go out there and interact with the rest of the world. You have to accept the fact that no one really cares about you if they don't know who you are (therefore, you have to go out and be known within the community). If a celebrity dies, then millions will grieve, but if I died then I'm pretty sure no one will really give a shit. However, if you want someone to give a shit, then you have to go out and find someone who gives a shit. It's not easy, and the horrible truth is that maybe it's true, and no one really gives a shit about you (let's hope not). But another truth is that you will also never find this person if you don't go out and try.
Be warned: be prepared for failure. Finding true friendship doesn't come easy. As I've stated before, most people do not give a shit about you. Which is why you need to find someone who does. I have been thrown away like a sack of garbage by many people (mostly women), but you have to have hope that this person is out there (refer to tip number one "Have Hope").
5. Get creative and find a purpose and passion in life!
I have a hobby, which I love. It is more than a hobby, but a passion. I often say to myself that it is what keeps my alive, and in a way, it truly does. I always look forward to doing my hobbies. For a brief moment in time, I found someone who shared my interest, but she left me and went her own way. I was sad for the longest time, but in the end, I still had the hobby itself and even if she was gone. No matter what, the hobby was still mine. I had already been doing it my entire life without anyone else. Having a romantic partner sharing and parking in your hobby was the best feeling in the world, but I will live even without her. My hobby was still apart of my life, even though she decided to leave. I was at my happiest with her, but I can also be happy (if not content) without her.
If you are interested in a new hobby to give you a purpose, here's an introduction to my favorite hobby. I enjoy collecting and painting miniatures: Daclaud's Top 10 Warhammer Age of Sigmar Factions.
6. Learn new skills...
You never get too old to learn. Sure, it feels unremarkable to be a beginner, but the desire to become a master at a new skill can encourage growth and getting better at a skill can give you a sense of accomplishment, pride and a new reason to live your life, if only to master this new skill. There are many skills you can learn. You just have to explore what's out there and pick something that you like.
7. Working out hard can often curb suicidal thoughts...
I have found that after an intense workout, I feel a lot better about myself. This is not just the physical feeling of gaining more strength and endurance, but it also helps with depression and suicidal thoughts. I don't know exactly how the science works, but exercising causes more oxygen to pass into your brain and it can also help balance your emotions.
8. Keeping a journal can be helpful for mental health...
I like to write, and writing is a way I can let go of my inner demons. It is an outlet where I can release all the pent up negative emotions that I just want to get rid of. This is why I keep this website up. I have to pay yearly to keep it up. Right now I have money, but if you have found this information to be helpful, then please donate a few dollars or at least click on the ads if you want to support my endeavors. A lot of the information here is silly, a lot of it fake, (some of it's real and I am writing more serious articles like this) and a lot of it may not be of interest to many people, but I don't care, this is my website and I can do whatever the hell I want with it.
If you do not have a website, then create a free blog on Wordpress, LiveJournal or Blogger. All of these platforms are free. If you are not interested in sharing your thoughts with the public, then just keep a journal (or diary). Journaling is a great way to keep your depression in check and looking back at reasons why you felt suicidal or the way you felt can often help prevent it. It also allows you to see yourself grow as a person.
9. Having a good peer support system can help...
Peer support is essential to mental health. For me, Lord Veil is a great friend. We started this stupid website together and we have been friends since 2014. If there is any time I am feeling sad, I know that any time I need him, he will be there for me. But we both have our own lives and finding a friend like this is difficult. If you don't have friends, then the only thing I can recommend is a peer support group.
A Google search can help you find a local peer support group. There may also be opportunities to find mental health support groups on social media too. Sometimes this helps. It helped me.
10. Prescription drugs should only be a last resort...
I have only done this once in my life. When I was a college student, I took advantage of their student mental health program. I don't like shrinks, because I believe they are mainly in it for the money and not necessarily your best interests. Since they are the "expert" on mental health, they may just decide to tell you that it's okay to be dependent on prescription drugs. Some people are. I can't say it's all bad, just not my thing.
If you've read through my list and found nothing works, then maybe you are suffering from a chronic illness that cannot be treated by natural means. I am not a mental health adviser, so there is no way I can offer the help that you need if you are suffering from severe depression and suicidal thoughts. If nothing on my list can help you, then you must seek out a medical professional now and have them prescribe the medication that you need. Best of luck to you. I may not know you, but believe me when I say that I do hope that you can get the help you need. In exception circumstances, it may take medication, I don't know. I would personally only consider medication as an absolute last resort, because I do not believe big pharma has your best interest in mind, but I am not here to judge. If drugs is your thing, then go for it. It's your life, not mine. At least you're still alive.
While, I can't predict the future, I know there are many reasons why I shouldn't kill myself. The number one reason why I wouldn't kill myself is because I'm too much of a coward. I would miss the world too much. I would miss all the things I enjoy. I have goals that are not yet accomplished. I have wants that I do not yet have. I know, this makes me sound like a hypocrite. I mean, how can I want to die, but also enjoy things in life at the same time? It does not make me a hypocrite, it just makes me human.