Interview # Se7en – With Conan the Barbarian
It was a seedy looking bar in a seedy part of town. Conan the Barbarian was sitting at the center table located in the middle of the bar and I could already tell he was having a blast. Wine women and song; I think is what best described the scene. So I sat down in front of Conan who extended his arm as if to arm wrestle me. Good thing I brought those gloves of Storm Giant strength I borrowed from Drizzt do’ Urden. He may have crushed me in real life, but I managed to beat the barbarian quite easily with those gloves on. When his arm hit the table, he shook his head and his eyes went wide opened as if in disbelief. He then offered to buy me a drink and agreed to an interview considering he lost.
Above: The look on Conan the Barbarian’s face was priceless!
Daclaud Lee: Your thoughts on Religion?
Conan: I know not, nor do I care. Let me live deep while I live; let me know the rich juices of red meat and stinging wine on my palate, the hot embrace of white arms, the mad exultation of battle when the blue blades flame and crimson, and I am content. Let teachers and philosophers brood over questions of reality and illusion. I know this: if life is illusion, then I am no less an illusion, and being thus, the illusion is real to me. I live, I burn with life, I love, I slay, and am content.”
DL: Would your rather be stopped by Feguson Police or by ISIS Terrorists?
C: Definitely ISIS! Lift that scimitar against me and I’ll gut them where they stand!
Above: Apparently, this man also agrees with Conan the Barbarian
DL: Your thoughts on Atheists?
C: Not one can tell me how Zogar Sag can call pythons and tigers and leopards out of the wilderness and make them do his bidding. They would say it is a lie, if they dared. That’s the way with civilized men. When they can’t explain something by their half-baked science, they refuse to believe it.
DL: Your thoughts on all the bars and clubs near Park Street and the Arena District?
C: The more I see of what you call civilization, the more highly I think of what you call savagery
D: What do you think of those guys who wear Ed Hardy and Tap out shirts?
C: Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split as a general thing.
DL: Mila Kunis, Katie Perry, Gianna Michaels – Bang, Marry or Kill
C: I will bang them all and marry none of them. I refuse to kill a defenseless woman.
DL: That works, but who would you kill if you had no choice?
C: I will kill them all if they gave me no choice.
DL: Okay… Next question, could you beat Barack the Barbarian in a fight?
C: Barack the Barbarian is not skilled in combat as Conan. When a nation forgets her skill in war, when her religion becomes a mockery, when the whole nation becomes a nation of money-grabbers, then the wild tribes, the barbarians drive in… Who will our invaders be? From whence will they come? (They come within)
Above: Apparently Barack Obama and Sarah Palin were also barbarians before they dabbled into politics.
DL: What about an undead Barack the Barbarian and a hoard of flesh eating zombies during the apocalypse? How would you kill them?
C: I would take my sword and chop their zombie heads off. Simple! (slams mug on the table) More wine!
DL: Conan the zombie slayer… You know you’re not the only one who thinks Zombies would be fun to kill right? I know a bunch of gamer nerds and hipster chicks who are thinking the same exact thing! Do you think they would survive?
C: No. They are watching too many episodes of the Walking Dead and not reading enough Conan the Barbarian novels. They are also playing too much Resident Evil and Call of Duty zombies. When all your civilization and science are likewise swept away, your kind will pray for me and my sword.
Above: This hipster chick has “wishing for the zombie apocalypse was real” on her OKCupid profile… She is one of many chicks out who believe they will survive the zombie apocalypse unscathed.
DL: What about a Khorne Bloodthirster in single combat?
C: There’s nothing in the universe cold steel won’t cut. I’m not going out of my way looking for devils; but I wouldn’t step out of my path to let one go by. When the time comes I will figure it out. Let’s just have some more wine, yeah?
Above: Khorne Bloodthirster vs an Eldar Force…. Sorry Conan… but I think you’ve had enough wine!
C: More mead and these women over there! (Conan was a bit evasive on that question)
DL: That’s a lot of booze Conan… Who’s going to pay for this?
C: I don’t particularly like the “douche bags” who own this place, so I was not planning on paying. We can slip through the back of the bar if we do not get too drunk first, and if the guards try to arrest us, then it’s every man for himself.
DL: A thief to the very end! I like that! Remember kids! Only dine and dash at a douche bag owned bar or club! Support your local mom and pop restaurants and pay for your food! (I’m also not getting arrested today, so I don’t know this guy).