Interview with a Cemetery Man (Zombies)

The cemetery caretaker has the noble task of tending to the grounds of the deceased. He doesn’t know how the zombie epidemic started. All he knows is that some corpses, on the seventh night after their death, comes back to life. He calls them Returners, but frankly he just can’t understand why they’re so anxious to return. He is the watchman of Greenlawn Cemetery.

Daclaud Lee:  Welcome to another edition of Random Interviews!  Today’s guest is the engineer, Giorgio-Franchesco Dellamorte-Romero and he is the care taker of Greenlawn Cemetery.

GFDR: Thank you Daclaud, it’s a pleasure to be here! Just one thing though, and I’m not sure why everyone calls me that, but I’m really not an engineer, just like Gnagi over there is no “cutie”.

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Above: Dellamorte-Romero and Gnagi are two of the best cemetery caretakers.

DL:  That’s okay, the Mayor, for some reason, insisted that I call you “engineer”, but no worries! My first question is, what is a typical day in the life of a cemetery caretaker?

GFDR: As the caretakers of Greenlawn Cemetery, we are charged with the task of keeping the cemetery grounds clean. Speaking of Gnagi, that poor soul you see over there? He is my assistant, Gnagi and he spends his days raking up all the dead leaves. I operate the lawn mower and we both dig the graves. But most importantly, we are given the task of making sure the dead stay in the walls of Greenlawn Cemetery.

DL: What do you mean by “making sure the dead stay in the walls of Greenlawn Cemetery”?

GFDR: Well, I’m glad you asked. You see, there is the constant problem with the dead (I call them Returners, but you might as well call them zombies) trying to leave, but that’s the least of my worries, and because all you have to do is split their heads open; a spade or a dum dum bullet works best at stopping them.

Besides the zombie epidemic, there’s an issue with grave robbers, such as the mad scientist Victor Frankenstein coming in and stealing the recently deceased corpses for his ungodly experiments. On top of that, you have many Vampire counts and Lich priests who also have morbid interests in reanimating the corpses for their undead armies.

And lastly the flesh eating ghouls also have a tendency to break into the into the mausoleums, creating their elaborate underground network of tunnels while they feast on an endless buffet of dead flesh. Needless to say, the dead also want to escape on their own as well. It is not an easy job.

DL: I actually interviewed Victor Frankenstein last year. He was quite the character. He got drunk and and kept on calling me Walton. Then he caused a disturbance within the Inn and was arrested by the local constabulary because the other patrons got scared.

Related: Interview with Victor Frankenstein at the Dreary Inn

GFDR: You know, they released him on parole again! Frankenstein knows, that The Living Dead and the dying living are all the same. Cut from the same cloth. But disposing of dead people is a public service, whereas you’re in all sorts of trouble if you kill someone while they’re still alive, which is why Frankenstein prefers grave robbing for corpses. He is too much of a coward to come back, so he has been sending in hired thugs to vandalize the cemetery and I’m the one who has to deal with it!

DL: What would you say is the worst part of your job as a cemetery caretaker?

GFDR: Digging the graves. Either that or the annoying old ladies who think I’m an engineer. Grave digging is back breaking work, but I have Gnagi to help me with the digging, so I really shouldn’t complain.

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Above: Gnagi is doing most of the digging, while Dellamorte-Romero reads the morning newspaper.

DL: What would you say is the best part of your job as cemetery caretaker?

GFDR: Many times, I get to make love to beautiful women on top of grave stones. cemetary-man-5

Above: Dellamorte-Romero swears on his life, that this woman was still alive when they did it in the Ossuary.

DL: I don’t imagine you get much sleep as a cemetery caretaker; especially not with all the zombies roaming around and not to mention the grave robbers constantly trying to break in.

GFDR: Sleep is a luxury and no, I don’t really sleep much. But I do manage to sleep at least 4 hours a day if I can. And as much as I hate to admit it, Gnagi is actually a big help and we often sleep in rotation while the other keeps watch.

The zombies (I call them Returners) often like to rock out to loud music. Much to my annoyance, because they always like to mock me by doing this late at night. Hell, at a certain point in life, you realize you know more dead people than living.

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Above: The undead are rocking out to heavy metal music. Dellamorte-Romero claims it disturbs his sleep cycle.

DL: I appreciate your time for the interview. Any final words or a closing statement for our readers?

GFDR: Death, death, death comes sweeping down, filthy death the leering clown, death on wings, death by surprise, failing evil from worldly eyes, death that spawns as life succumbs, while death and love, two kindred drums, beat the time till judgement day, an actor in a passion play, without beginning, without end, evermore, amen. You know, I’d give my life to be dead! (Quote Credit Dellamorte Dellamore 1994)

DL: And if you have not watched the movie, remember to check out Dellamorte Dellamore aka The Cemetery Man as one of my personal Halloween movie recommendations!

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Daclaud Lee

Daclaud Lee is a blogger, writer and webmaster for Random Interviews.