Interview with a Vampire

There are those who believe vampires are real and I’m not talking about Twilight fan girls! Random Interviews finds a real vampire for another awesome and funny interview!

Daclaud Lee:  Good evening and welcome to Random Interviews. Let’s get started.  So, what do you do?

Vampire:  I’m a vampire.

DL:  No shit? That’s something I’ve heard many times before.  Don Henrie said the same thing on that Sci Fi Channel reality TV show called Mad Mad House back in 2004, but we all know he was just some douche bag who ended up with Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon. You don’t really don’t look like that type of guy, so I suppose you mean this figuratively I take it?

V: Absolutely not.

stephen king night flyer vampire
I said, I am a f*cking VAMPIRE!

DL:  Holy sh*t!  So you really are one of “those” guys?  I guess this is not really my lucky break now is it?

V:  You need not worry about any of this now. And you never know. Perhaps this may be a “lucky break”  for both of us?

DL:  So what are you going to do?  Kill me and drink my blood?  Or worse?  Turn me into one of you?

V:  You need not worry about that right now. Let’s continue on with the interview, shall we?

DL:  Sure. Nowadays, most of the Millennials (excluding myself of course) believe vampire sparkle in the sunlight?  Do you sparkle, Mr. Vampire?

V: You mean like Twilight? I hated that movie. Vampires do not sparkle.  I do not sparkle. For the first time ever, I wished a hunter would have killed off a vampire, but I would hardly call Edward a vampire.  We are creatures of the night and the sunlight will destroy us.

Twilight ended blade kills edward
This is how Twilight should have ended

DL:  What about the older myths and legends?  Does garlic repel you? What about crucifixes and other holy symbols? Will a stake through the heart and holy water kill you?

V: Garlic is something I was very fond of in life, but I have no use for it now.  The smell often reminds me of the foods I used to enjoy.  Crucifixes and other holy symbols are rather beautiful in their own ways and I rather enjoy looking at them actually.

The stake through the heart is nonsense and no water is truly holy.  Very few vampires have the stamina for immortality.  They perish on their own will out of shear boredom, stress or loneliness.  I have not been able to be destroyed naturally, but I choose to remain as I am, and so I do.

DL: I hate to ask, but are you a fan of Trueblood?

V: No… I can’t say I’ve ever watched it beyond Season 2. I’m more of a fan of The Walking Dead, but it’s not the zombies that fascinate me, it’s the humans on the show. I also liked Breaking Bad and How I Met Your Mother.

Shows like these allow me to learn more about humanity and modern subcultures. The way you humans search for the next high, how your greed will lead you to do anything to acquire money. How your emotions lead you for the search for love, romance and your one true soul mate. And characters like Barney Stinson who have caused many men to become predatory creatures much like myself. It all fascinates me because I once had these feelings too.

How I met your mother vampire
Barney Stinson was probably more of a vampire than this guy.

DL: Do you believe you still have a soul?

V: How can I know? Do you think I’m God?

DL:  So who is your favorite Hollywood vampire?

V: Nosferatu. That movie was rather accurate.  Many of us do resemble Nosferatu when we don’t feed. Nosferatu was more of a lady’s man than Edward from Twilight would ever be.

nosferatu the vampire
Nosfearatu gets more chicks than Edward

DL:  What about hunters? You know like Vampire Hunter D, Blade or Donovan Bane.  Do you think they are going to kill you someday?

V: They are nothing but maniacs and serial killers.  Unfortunately they are not real and just products of myth and legend.

vampire hunter D talking hand
All vampires fear the hand!

DL: So says the guy who calls himself a vampire.

V: Now that this has concluded, I’m going to give you the choice I never had… Do you want the gift of immortality?

DL: Wait… that’s not your line…  But sure!  Only if I can look like a chick magnet like Lestat 

V: Sorry Daclaud, you will probably end up looking more like Nosferatu than Lestat.

DL: Forget it then. Thank you for joining me tonight for a Random Interview, but I think I’ll pass on your offer of immortality. I’ve got Blade and Dante waiting outside for me.  See ya later!

This interview was partially inspired by Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice, buy the book or movie on Amazon!

Daclaud Lee

Daclaud Lee is a blogger, writer and webmaster for Random Interviews.