Last year we did an Random Interview with Victor Frankenstein at the Dreary Inn. This year for our Halloween Interviews, we have tracked down The Monster himself to exchange a few words.
(Disclaimer: this is a spoof/parody interview and the dialogue from The Monster are all direct quotes from Mary Shelly’s original novel).
Daclaud Lee: Please, tell me about yourself. What made you who you are today? What made you into “The Monster”?
The Monster: I was dependent on none and related to none. The path of my departure was free, and there was none to lament my annihilation. My person was hideous and my stature gigantic. What did this mean? Who was I? What was I? Whence did I come? What was my destination? These questions continually recurred, but I was unable to solve them.
DL: Don’t be so hard on yourself. I mean, you were pretty cool in Van Helsing! So what was life like growing up as an orphan and without a father?
TM: Of my creation and creator I was absolutely ignorant, but I knew that I possessed no money, no friends, no kind of property. I was, besides, endued with a figure hideously deformed and loathsome; I was not even of the same nature as man.
DL: Those are pretty harsh handicaps. So how did you manage to survive on your own without anyone to rely on?
TM: I was more agile than they and could subsist upon coarser diet; I bore the extremes of heat and cold with less injury to my frame; my stature far exceeded theirs.
DL: In regards to online dating, I heard you have an OKCupid profile. Are you having any luck on that site?
TM: Sometimes I allowed my thoughts, unchecked by reason, to ramble in the fields of Paradise, and dared to fancy amiable and lovely creatures sympathizing with my feelings and cheering my gloom; their angelic countenances breathed smiles of consolation.
DL: Don’t feel too bad. It’s not just you, but most guys I talk to don’t seem to have much luck on that or any other online dating site. I mean, you can send out 100 messages and not get a single reply (believe me, it’s happened to me before). Especially if you’re an Asian guy like me! We are ranked as the least desirable ethnic male group! So I feel your pain man!
TM: But it was all a dream; no Eve soothed my sorrows nor shared my thoughts; I was alone. I remembered Adam’s supplication to his Creator. But where was mine? He had abandoned me, and in the bitterness of my heart I cursed him.
DL: Your father you mean? You’re still upset that he abandon you?
TM: Cursed, cursed creator! Why did I live? Why, in that instant, did I not extinguish the spark of existence which you had so wantonly bestowed? I know not; despair had not yet taken possession of me; my feelings were those of rage and revenge.
DL: Is that why you also killed that little boy William? The child of that single mom you were dating? What was it about her that you were attracted to anyways?
TM: A most lovely woman. In spite of my malignity, it softened and attracted me. For a few moments I gazed with delight on her dark eyes, fringed by deep lashes, and her lovely lips; but presently my rage returned; I remembered that I was forever deprived of the delights that such beautiful creatures could bestow and that she whose resemblance I contemplated would, in regarding me, have changed that air of divine benignity to one expressive of disgust and affright.
DL: In our last interview, your father, Victor, seemed quite upset about you. He said that you would be unreasonable and malicious towards everyone.
TM: You are in the wrong. Instead of threatening, I am content to reason with you. I am malicious because I am miserable. Am I not shunned and hated by all mankind?
DL: I wouldn’t say that. I mean you did help those kids in The Monster Squad, right? Surely that was a good deed.
TM: The feelings of kindness and gentleness which I had entertained but a few moments before gave place to hellish rage and gnashing of teeth. Inflamed by pain, I vowed eternal hatred and vengeance to all mankind.
DL: Do you feel like this because you can’t find a girlfriend?
TM: I will revenge my injuries; if I cannot inspire love, I will cause fear, and chiefly towards you my archenemy, because (for) my creator, do I swear inextinguishable hatred.
DL: What do you want the most of of this world? What is your greatest desire?
TM: You must create a female for me with whom I can live in the interchange of those sympathies necessary for my being. This you alone can do, and I demand it of you as a right which you must not refuse to concede.
DL: Dude, I can’t… I mean, I’m not a scientist and I failed the MCAT back in college. Why don’t you just stick to OKCupid? Or even Tinder? I’m sure you can find some Goth Chick who would love to be in a relationship with you!
TM: I had never yet seen a being resembling me or who claimed any intercourse with me.
DL: Is that why you kidnapped Emily in that NES Game (Frankenstein The Monster Returns)? Kidnapping is a crime you know?
TH: Shall each man, find a wife for his bosom, and each beast have his mate, and I be alone?
DL: It doesn’t have to be this way! You can always pay The Pick Up Artist $1000.00 to attend one of his boot camps! He can help you!
TM: I had feelings of affection, and they were requited by detestation and scorn.
DL: I don’t know… maybe some guys were just meant to be Forever Alone…
TM: Man! You may hate, but beware! Your hours will pass in dread and misery, and soon the bolt will fall which must ravish from you your happiness forever. Are you to be happy while I grovel in the intensity of my wretchedness?
DL: Monster… you’re turning into one of those Emo dudes… Please don’t go shooting up schools like Elliot Roger or Chris Harper Mercer, okay? I’m sure we can help you find a girlfriend! I mean, I heard Count Dracula’s daughter, Lily Dracula actually has a crush on you!