December 5th is known as Krampusnacht in Europe and it is the night when an evil, demon like being called Krampus walks the streets, searching for bad people (not necessarily children) to punish.
Daclaud Lee: Welcome back to another session of Random Interviews! Our guest tonight claims to have been very naughty this year because he was a recent victim of Krampus. Krampus needs no introduction. He has a movie that was released this year on Krampusnacht (December 5th, 2015). On this same day, Krampus also paid a visit to our guest; can you tell me about the events of that night?
Krampus Victim: I can… It was a warm night for December 5th. In fact, it didn’t even feel like December, it felt more like an October evening. I was supposed to be out on a date with a woman a met on Tinder, but I ditched her and decided to drink alone for the night. I was tired of the same old dating routine with a 50/50 chance of getting laid; in fact, I really wasn’t even interested in having sex that night. I was just bored and I was just sitting on my porch drinking by myself.
I can’t remember what time it was, but it was late, as in after midnight late, and suddenly things just got cold and a heavy wind started to pick up. Then it started to snow, like heavy snow. I decided to go back into the house and make some hot chocolate and turn up the heat.
Daclaud Lee: This was in Columbus Ohio right? Because I remember it being uncommonly warm that night, but I don’t remember any snow.
KV: It was definitely here. There was a blizzard, because I was snowed in, literally.
Daclaud Lee: I’m about to make a comment about you being drunk and delusional, but I’m not going to.
KV: I was drunk, but I wasn’t “drunk” like that. This sh*t was real man! So as soon as I was finished making my hot chocolate, I hear a knock on my door. I was confused as to who it was, because no one ever comes over. So I go over to the window to take a look outside, but I couldn’t make out anything. Then the lock on my door started to move and unlock by itself and the door swung open… God, I was terrified… It was a huge, seven foot tall monster. Maybe bigger. It was unbelievable. It was like a man, but had hooves; no wait, it actually had one human foot and the other was a hoof. It looked like some kind of demon or something and he was carrying chains…
Daclaud Lee: Krampus?
KV: Definitely Krampus… But I didn’t know that at the time. I thought Krampus was just a low budget B movie character. I just couldn’t believe my eyes and I wanted to call 911, but the monster rushed forward at me and threw a huge sack over my head and I couldn’t see anything. Then it started beating me with a bundle of sticks and threw me over his shoulder.
Daclaud Lee: Obviously Krampus didn’t kill you. Why do you think he would come after you like that?
KV: He said I had been a very bad person and I deserved it, but the stick beating was just the beginning. The demon took me somewhere… I was slung over his shoulder inside the sack. He said he was taking me to hell…
Daclaud Lee: Hell? Did he mean that figuratively?
KV: No, this was the real thing… Krampus really did take me to hell and while I was in hell, I saw suffering beyond what you could ever imagine. There were people getting dismembered and tortured over and over again. It was a nightmare. Krampus chained up my hands and hung me upside down and he made me watch these scenes of torture while he whipped me… My back was split open and he kept on asking me if I would ever be bad again. I told him no. I screamed and cried and told him no… But he wouldn’t stop whipping me and then he rubbed salt on my open wounds.
Daclaud Lee: F*ck man… If I knew Krampus does that to people, I don’t think I would want to do anything bad. But it’s all subjective, did he tell you what you did that made you deserve to be punished like that?
KV: He told me I was an asshole and that I need to treat people with respect and kindness. He said that I needed to respect my parents. He said I needed to respect women. He said I had to stop manipulating people to get what I want… He said I needed to be more humble, less arrogant and to be more thankful and appreciative of what others do for me. He said I needed to stop being a douche bag…
Daclaud Lee: Do you feel like it worked? Are you less of a douche bag?
KV: I swore to Krampus that I would be less of a douche bag… and that’s when he let me down and unchain me. As he did that, he shoved my face into a tub filled with blood… I couldn’t breath. He was drowning me. And when I thought I was finally dead, I was back in my apartment. The pain was gone and I felt my back and my wounds had healed.
Daclaud Lee: I hate to sound like a douche bag myself, but it sounded like you were just dreaming or you were drunk out of your mind and just sobered up.
KV: You can believe what you want, but I really did meet Krampus and he really did take me to hell. Most importantly he taught me a valuable life lesson and I’m a changed man because of it. I swear to God I am a changed man!
Daclaud Lee: I believe you… But this Krampus seems like a real hypocrite and a douche bag himself. I mean, assuming she’s hot, Krampus will sleep with your girlfriend, wife or even your mom or sister.