As we, Lord Veil (LV) and Daclaud Lee (DL), walk in to the watering hole known as The Local Bar, located in the Short North, Columbus Ohio. I’m struck by all the every-era-seventies décor that’s all over the place. It’s absolutely amazing! Even though she was busy we got really quick service from one of the bartenders on duty. I come to find out later that her name is Leanne (L).
I was very hungry/starving so my first question involves food. (Okay, okay. Second question)
LV – Hi! What’s your name?
L – Leanne.
LV – Hi, Leanne. Got any food here?
L – Popcorn? (After shouting over the insanely loud jukebox music picked by customers, she congenially gestures to the freshly popped corn in the vintage corn popper) You know what you want to drink?
LV – You know what you want, D?
DL – Lemme take a minute to see what you got.
Above: Looking at the sign gave me a headache, so I let Leanne decide for me. – Daclaud
Leanne gives us a few minutes to decide about drinks. It should be noted that I don’t normally eat popcorn. Sometimes I’ll grab some in a theater during a really good movie if someone else has ordered a bucket. -Must be muscle memory because I used to eat it all the time as a kid. But that was long ago. I’m not sold on the popcorn. -Buuuuut, I’m hungry. So I get a bowl and share it with Daclaud. It’s fresh, not stale. And perfectly seasoned for popcorn. That said: DL’s not a big popcorn fan either, so we don’t finish the bowl, unfortunately. But we were both struck by how good it was.
Above: Waiting for our drink orders…
It’ll show in the pics, but I should explain what a striking looking woman Leanne is. Inviting presence and a welcoming smile. Tight-toned body. Brown saucer eyes with matching long and braided hair. I’m having doubts as to whether she’ll interview with us or not. It could be because I’m hungry and all I can think of is food… DL nudges me along in his friendly manner and I decide it’s worth a shot to try.
Leanne comes back after helping a few customers, and after we’ve had just the right amount of time to decide (or not decide in my case) exactly what we want, DL gets the beer she suggested and I ask,
LV – What’s your best drink?
L – Champagne Cocktail!
I give her a look like I’m a cat and she’s just driven over my tail.
L – KIDDING!!! You like whiskey?
LV – (Sighs relief) Sure! Hit me up! This place is really well decorated. I love it!
L – Ya. That’s because the same guys who own this place also own Flower Child. Joe Valentini. Really cool guy.
LV – I’ve been to a Flower Child before, on Cleveland! I love that store!
I point to the two orange seventies era hair drying chairs and ask,
Above: Personally, I was never a fan of the 70’s – Daclaud
LV – Do those still work?
L – Ya! Totally! Haven’t plugged them in in a while though…
Leanne goes off to make my drink and help others. DL’s a little miffed that they don’t have pumpkin beer yet, but he’s okay with what he’s been given.
Above: Local Bar did not have pumpkin beer, but they do have a pretty good list. – Daclaud
She hands me my drink. I take a sniff and ask,
LV – So what is it?
L – Try it!
LV – Delicious! It tastes like a REALLY kicked up whiskey sour, but better!
L – That’s a DOCTOR GONZO!
LV – WOW! That’s awesome!
I’m a really big fan of this drink so Leanne and I share a high five after she explains that it’s pretty much everything Hunter S. Thompson used to like. I decide that it’s time to get started since she now has a bit of a lull in drinkers needing her expert attention. I explain our concept of being a site dedicated to entertainment and that I’m not going to ask a single serious question, so I hope she’ll role play along and give us like answers. She’s instantly all about it!
Above: I don’t usually take pictures of restrooms in bars, but if you’ve ever wondered what old issues of Playboy Magazine covers looked like, then you will be sure to find out in the Men’s Restroom at Local Bar! – Daclaud
LV – Here. Use my phone and take a picture of ANYTHING in the bar and we’ll not only print it, but we’ll challenge our readers to find whatever you’ve snapped a pic of!
She grabs the phone and is off in a jiff to go to the opposite side of the bar and snap a pic or two. When she returns, I jump right in.
Above: Try to find this fish in Local Bar… I must have missed it somehow… – Daclaud
LV – Demons invade. The Dark One has picked you to be his Earthly Bride or humanity falls!
L – Of COURSE, I’d go for it! DO it up! But there’s a problem… I’m Satan… I’d have to marry myself. I guess it could be done! (laughing)
LV – Soooo, God comes to your bar; what do you serve him/her/whatever?
L – Holy Water!
LV – Something you actually have in the bar?
L – JAMESON! We’ll do shots together! God and Satan putting their differences aside to tie one on? I could do that.
LV – If God does too many shots and gets smashed or belligerent, how do you kick him out?
L – If he’s drunk and I’m Satan, I can take him! (laughing)
LV – We’re just going to run down the list here. Now Aliens have invaded and you have to WOW them or humanity gets vaporized!
L – Obviously I’d make them a champagne cocktail!
DL – This drink’s good, but I don’t know if it would do it.
L – Tre ouch!
LV – There are no limits to what you can do to wow them.
L – I’d definitely get them wasted on Doctor Gonzos and teach them to swim! Swimming’s awesome!
LV – Worst three pick-up lines?
L – Do your feet hurt? ‘Cuz you been running through my mind all night! -Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? -Been too long. Can’t thinkof three off the rip.
LV – Best pick-up line that actually worked on you?
L – Wanna go get some sushi and some sex?
LV – Worst you’ve ever used?
L – If you like me, check this box
LV – Best you’ve ever used?
L – I normally don’t use them. I just wait for them to talk to me.
LV – Teach Daclaud how to pick up chicks?
L – It’s never what you say, it’s how you say it (paraphrased)
[For the rest of this rather racy segment, please see the upcoming podcast recordings]
LV – Favorite thing about working here?
L – Industry crowd. Especially on non-busy nights. Get to hang out and talk and still make good money doing it. I love the clientelle here.
LV – What do you hate about busy nights?
L – Amateur drinkers! They’ll actually order a “Sour and Whiskey?” [As she says this I can tell she’s perfectly mimicking a female valley-girlish beginner drinker who has actually ordered this drink this way] (instead of “Whiskey Sour” as it’s called by everyone else on the planet) and they just slop the place up sometimes.
LV – God, I hate those. I don’t mind when they tell me they’re beginners and I can walk them through it without them getting trashed, but when they think they know what they’re doing… sheesh! (both laughing)
LV – Speaking of that. Have you ever wanted to choke a customer?
L – OH, YA! Large anniversary party. Different bar. Same owners. It’s prety cool that I get to work at different places with the same bosses. They treat me realy good. Anyway… Light drinker who gets mean started a fight on my patio. Just started swinging on a guy for no reason, like he was just going to fight no matter what. He just kept swinging, no matter what I told him. I had to jump on his back and put him in a headlock and he kept going. I actually thought I’d have to choke him out! He just wouldn’t stop!
LV – Ever go to strip clubs?
L – Once or twice…
This is said with extreme mischeif behind her eyes. I give an expression that lets her know that I’m aware there’s more to the story and she instantly continues.
L – I’ve worked at one or two.
LV – I’ll bet you have an interesting story?
L – Oh, yes… A girlfriend of mine in her first week. At the club I worked at they engouraged us to drink with the clientelle. I think she overdid it. She went into the champagne room with some guys and comes out hours later, money everywhere she can have it stashed. She walks into the back room to her stall and just collapses face down on the floor. Money is flying everywhere! There’s money all over the place! She’s now on something besides alcohol because nobody can get her to come around to any coherence and we have to get her home. So we get her a driver and take care of her. The next day she can’t remember a single thing! I think she was slipped something! The best part was all the $20’s all over the place! Cha-ching!
LV – You’ve just directed a hardcore porn. What’s it called and who’s it star?
L – CHERRY STUFFERS! Starring Hot Fudge and Sundae!
LV – It’s a gay Porn!
L – Reverse it! Hot Fudge And Sundaes, Starring Cherry Stuffer! (All of us are laughing like maniacs at this point -See recording for mindless hysterical banter that takes place here!)
LV – Godzilla comes to town looking for action. Where do you send him?
L – To the set of Hot Fudge and Sundaes! Duh!
(all laughing again)
LV – Last question. To save the human race, you have to marry a zombie. Don’t ask why. It just has to happen. And it doesn’t matter who it is.
L – Satan! But I guess I’d be marrying myself then…
LV – Can I take a piture of you for the site?
L – Can I take a picture with you?
LV – Let’s go!
I’m, for some inexplicable reason drawn to the ancient orange hairdrying chairs. I practically run to one to sit down. She’s about to pose from my lap, but I decide to jump up because, suddenly, I need to sit on hers. She instantly goes for it. She’s such a good sport that when I explain that we want another photo of her considering her answers, she poses for us without a second’s hesitation. To be honest, if we didn’t have another place to hit that night to interview, I totally would have just dug in at the Local Bar and rode out the rest of the night in Leanne’s capable hands.
Above: This is the coolest mirror ever! – Lord Veil
The Local Bar was a truly fun experience. Everything in the place, even the tray you’re handed your bill on, has texture and personality and could easily be a conversation piece. The bartenders are more than personable. They’re awesome and will naturally take wild conversational rides with you on a whim. Not to mention, they REALLY know their drinks. I’ll definitely recommend this watering hole to anybody. Anytime. Thank you, Leanne! – Lord Veil