Random Review of Cats

The time has come to put cats in their place! Only randominterviews.com has the balls to take on this feline menace!

What ARE these mercurially moody furry things we plague our lives with? Why do we tolerate these universally accepted beasts we refer to as “cats.” Ever wonder how they refer to themselves? You think they call themselves cats? No. Probably some human-inconceivable sound that means something akin to “master of all.”

They claw and bite you for no reason after demanding to be petted. They follow you into the bathroom (even if you want privacy while laying bricks) then proceed to scratch at the door both ways to get in and out while you’re trying to concentrate on fecal extrication. They, themselves, never use the toilet to vomit hairballs; but will daintily lick themselves two feet away from you while you clean the slimy mess they’ve just hacked up. It could be 4 AM and these wild beasts will howl and yowl before or after loudly darting to and fro just to wake you up! Lord forbid if you have more than one!


They sometimes scratch and bite your kids (ever have to nurse a kid sick from a cat scratch? Not fun!). They sharpen their claws on furniture, doors and carpets you’d rather not see ruined. They utterly DESTROY miniblinds if they happen to be in the way when a cat wishes to look out a window.

They acknowledge your voice but refuse to respond to your call.


And cats pretend to love you but will EAT you if you have the nerve to die around them.


And lets not even get started on the ecological damage incorrectly discarded kitty litter does to the wild otter population! http://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1538645,00.html

And we tolerate this because they’re cute?


Let’s not forget a few of the scarier superstitions involving cats:

-Reincarnated witches with 9 lives?

-They disappear when nobody is looking at them?


-Guides to the afterlife?

-Seers of the undead?

-Tools of Lucifer?

-Sacred beings to be worshiped and feared?

-Familiars to those who practice the black arts?

-A certain color crosses your path, it’s bad luck, the opposing color rubs against you or allows you to pet it, it’s good luck?

FUCK THAT SHIT! What if a cat is both colors? Does the good/bad luck thing cancel itself out?


The last superstition smacks of racial undertones, so I’ll dismiss that outright. But what about the conspiracy theories involving them? Could your trusty pet be a genetically engineered monitoring tool for nefarious aliens? What are they batting at when we see nothing there? Who are they sweetly meowing to when they’re looking longingly up the wall? What do they chase when nothing is flitting about? Sounds like they’re communicating with cloaked extraterrestrials to me!


Not that I’m a canine lover, but I cannot recall any such theories involving dogs…

So even though my murderous, human eating, alien constructed orange feline beast, Nibbler, is sweetly curling himself around my feet as I type this article, I know what he’s up to… It’s an attempt to prevent me from exposing the horrible truth about he and his kind! They’re here as an entertainment tool of ALIENS!!!

Can’t you just see it? An interactive reality tv show called TORTURE TERRANS! The aliens sit at a water seat tavern drinking liquid gold while partaking in the show unwittingly starring us. They use their ear attached neuro-connectors to command these cat things to mercilessly torment us:

They think, “Run that way for no reason, then dart back to your human and stop. Just sit there and stare past him. Look back and forth. Appear scared, then run away again!” The cat does it and these aliens get a kick out of our confused reaction. Another alien uses their device to think-command, “See that human sleeping? Jump on him and claw his balls to wake him up!” The cat instantly (and probably gleefully) does it and their entire race of beings is gut-bust laughing as I fall off the bed and hit my face on a kettle bell that’s on the floor after bouncing my forehead off the nightstand! And these outerworld fucks PROBABLY get rich from prizes for funniest vid???

Well FUCK YOU, NIBBLER! You’re not fooling me! I’m on to you, buddy! And I’ve just warned everyone about you and your kind! What are you doing, cat bastard? Get off my shoulder! Hey! I said fuck you!

article by Lord Veil

Lord Veil

Unknown singer/entertainer, unpublished author, starving artist, (potential cult leader according to facebook) father and hubby. Trekkie. Indy/cult/horror/foreign movie fan. Into comics, Sci-Fi and cosplay. In love with the Soska Sisters!