Retail Giant Wal-EE Mart to Close Store for Black Friday

Black Friday and Thanksgiving are usually holidays that many people look forward to. Unfortunately this has not always been the case for many retail employees. This year, the CEO of retail giant Wal-EE Mart makes the humane decision to close his stores in order for his employees to enjoy an actual holiday with paid time off.

black-friday-3
Above: Last year’s Wal-EE Mart Black Friday hoard of zombie like shoppers right before the opening door buster deals.

Daclaud Lee: Many retailers are taking a stand against consumerism by closing on Thanksgiving Day, but it seems like Wal-EE Mart is taking it one step further this year by closing on the Friday after. Can you tell me more about it?

Wal-EE Mart CEO: I had been thinking about Black Friday for some time this year and while it is one of the busiest days of the year, I wanted to do something different this year. I wanted to give all of my employees a paid day off! This is something that never actually happens in the retail industry.

Security Guards prevent Black Friday zombies from entering retail store
Above: Security Guards prevent Black Friday zombies from entering retail store last year.

DL:  Why are you making the decision to close on Black Friday?

WEMCEO: Wal-EE Mart generates multi-billion dollars a year. I take trips around the world, from the Caribbean Islands to Europe, Asia and Dubai. I drink Louis XIII $1000 shots like water. I have a fleet of private jets, yachts and helicopters. I can go anywhere I want and do anything I want at the drop of a hat. Every day is a holiday for me. This year, I just wanted to offer my employees something that they never had before, a real Thanksgiving holiday.

Louis XIII Cognac $20K
Above: Yeah, this bottle of Louis XIII Cognac is really $20,000.00 USD and it is drunk by CEOs, Rappers, and rich dudes everywhere!

DL: That is very kind of you. So what are you hearing back from your employees and customers?

WEMCEO: Well, the employees are overjoyed and they are really humbled. The customers however, are a mixed bag. Some are supportive and the others are furious. A very small few even think we are stupid for being so kind this year. I just wanted to take a stand this year.

DL: What are you taking a stand against?

WEMCEO: I know it sounds strange coming from me, but I want to take a stand against the inhumanity and greed of Holiday consumerism. The meaning of Thanksgiving has been lost because of consumerism and not just corporate greed, but also consumer greed.

black-friday-5
Above: This year; we take our stand against corporate and consumer greed! None Shall Pass!

You remember last year when millions of people were either injured or died during Black Friday right? They were literally fighting for door buster deals, but these deals are just peanuts and scraps in savings and all during a Holiday were people should be focusing on family life and being thankful for what you have. These people died on my lands, in my stores and now there is blood on my hands, so I’m very ashamed of it.

black-friday-4
Above: A Black Friday shopper fights hoards of zombie-like shoppers for the latest iPhone deal.

It makes me sad that people don’t even go to Thanksgiving dinner anymore. I mean, one time I saw surveillance video of a woman on the phone with her husband, and her husband was actually the one crying because she wasn’t going to join him and their kids for Thanksgiving dinner this year. I mean she would rather spend the night camped out in the parking lot of my store just to get trampled on instead of fixing Thanksgiving dinner.

They all skipped Thanksgiving Dinner with their families just so they could wait in line in the freezing cold for door buster deals
Above: They all skipped Thanksgiving Dinner with their families just so they could wait in line in the freezing cold for door buster deals

DL: How much sales do you expect to lose this year?

WEMCEO: I don’t know; maybe $60 Billion? It’s okay though because we can make it up some other way. I heard Target was able to create Black Friday in April. If they can do it, of course Wal-EE Mart can do it! Besides, there’s also Cyber Monday! I could probably create a second Halloween in December! Oh wait… maybe not December because we need Christmas, but in May! Yeah, Halloween in May because it’s such a boring month!

DL: What about the Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist or Atheist employees who do not celebrate Thanksgiving? (And no, for the record, I’m NOT sorry if I left any religion out, because I deliberately want to offend you on Thanksgiving Day </sarcasm>).

WEMCEO: See, that’s where we’ve all lost focus as a nation, as a people. I don’t care what religion or belief system you adhere to, Thanksgiving is NOT a Christian Holiday! Thanksgiving is a Holiday about family, and that’s it! I don’t care if you are a member of the Cthulhu Cult, you should still celebrate Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving! Cthulhu Devours Turkey!
Above: Happy Thanksgiving! Cthulhu Devours Turkey!

DL: Do you think this will have a negative impact on business?

WEMCEO: Nah! I already make in one hour more than what 10 employee makes in one year. I think I can live with on little less this year.

DL: How do you expect to make up this lost revenue?

WEMCEO: Have you ever heard of Single’s Day? It’s pretty much China’s equivalent to Black Friday. The Chinese Online retail giant Alibaba just generated $5 Billion during the first five minutes of Single’s Day! These sales were reported to be more than Black Friday AND Cyber Monday alone. And Single’s Day doesn’t impede or take away from an existing holiday like Black Friday does.

Above: Alibaba dominated Singles Day (a made up holiday that originated in 1993) with over $57 Billion dollars in Sales on November 11.
Above: Alibaba dominated Singles Day (a made up holiday that originated in 1993) with over $57 Billion dollars in Sales on November 11.

DL: What are you hopes for your employees this year?

WEMCEO: While the rest of America is fighting it out in the aisles of other stores, we hope to give our employees a sense of peace and to let them know that they are also human and not everything in this world should be about (my) money. I also don’t want them to get trampled over last year’s 55 inch TV model, cooking sets and discounted socks.

The Door Buster deals are what all of these zombie like Black Friday shoppers are waiting to get trampled on to get...
Above: The Door Buster deals are what all of these zombie like Black Friday shoppers are waiting to get trampled on to get…

DL: A lot of people are looking at you right now and thinking, “What is the Wal-EE Mart CEO smoking?” Well, what are you smoking?

WEMCEO: That’s a great question sir! Actually I’m not smoking anything! I just woke up one day, and decided that I wanted to do something different this year. Sure I give up a few billion dollars this year, but hey, that’s money that I’ll never use anyways! My spoiled son couldn’t even party that kind of money away in a life time! Oh wait, I take that back, he probably could (and he has)… Strippers, Ferraris and Booze! I just think it’s a great way to allow people to allow people to enjoy Holidays and to finally be able to be “human” again!

Daclaud Lee

Daclaud Lee is a blogger, writer and webmaster for Random Interviews.