Rufus Shinra | Final Fantasy 7 | Random Douche

Rufus Shinra is Midgar City’s richest man. His family owns the monopoly on Mako energy and he is the random douche of the week.

Daclaud Lee: Rufus Shinra?  My name is Daclaud with Random Interviews.

Rufus Shinra:  Very entertaining.  Keep up the good work.

DL:  Just a few questions.  Umm… why are you wearing a sheet over your head?

rude-rufusAbove:  Rufus Shinra and his bodyguard Rude.

RS:  I’m a ghost!  Boo!

DL:  Okay… and why are you in a wheel chair?  I know you’re not crippled.

RL:  Because I like being pushed around in a wheelchair! I have money to buy a wheelchair and I have money to pay Rude here to push me around in it.  Do you have a problem with that?

DL:  No…  By the way, what happened to your dog?

RS:  Dark Nation?  Cloud still thinks I’m a pussy for bringing a dog to the fight, but it’s probably best we don’t discuss it.  Otherwise those crazies from the humane society will try to take me back to court again.  Those freaks are worse than PETA.

rufus-dog

Above:  Rufus not only had a shotgun but he also brought a dog to a fight one a guy with a sword… and he still loses the fight…

DL:  What are your thoughts on the current state of the economy?

RS:  With things looking like this, you had better be ready for pay cuts.

DL:  Do you think you can win next year’s presidential campaign against The Joker and Cthulhu?

RS:  Yeah, and I’ll let you hear my new appointment speech when I do.

cthulhu-for-president

Above:  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m voting for Cthulhu.  – Daclaud

DL:  Your thoughts on the Occupy (Wall Street) movement and McDonald’s employees asking for increased minimum wage?

RS:  You know, my old man tried to control the world with money.  It seemed to be working, but I do things a little different.  A little fear will control the minds of the common people so there’s no reason to spend money of them.

DL:  That sex tape with Paris Hilton.  Was that really you?

RS:  That’s absurd.  That definitely wasn’t me!  That was just some guy with hair like me.  Do you think I would stoop so low as to sleep with that b*tch?

DL:  Do you think ISIS terrorists will ever be able to invade Midgar City?

RS:  Of course not, if terrorists attack, the Shinra army will help you.  As long as you work for Shinra that is.  If you don’t, then you are majorly screwed.

DL:  What do you think about the allegations that you are actually funding ISIS terrorists?

RS:  Who’s been telling you that?  I’ll have to have my Turks hunt this person down.

DL:  I saw someone post it on Facebook; probably from Wikileaks or something like that.

RS:  God I hate Facebook…  Elena, please make sure to file a complaint to Zuckerburg’s people and have them delete the page that says “Shinra Sucks”.  I also want you to identify the person who made that page and have them silenced.  And the Wikileaks guy…  Julian Assange is it?  Make a note of him, Reno.

Turks:  Yes, sir!

DL:  What do you think about MADD and the new .05% Blood Alcohol Content law for a DUI?

RS:  People are ignorant.  They buy up the whole sob story about one woman (out of Millions) who’s kid was killed in a car accident and now they are punishing people for drinking and driving, not necessarily drunken driving (yes there is a difference).  I think it’s ridiculous, but people will always feel better as long as someone is punished.  My ride’s helicopter, so I don’t need to worry about getting pulled over.

rufus-helecopter

Above:  Rufus Shinra riding in style!

DL:  Are you afraid of Anonymous?

RS:  No.  *Rufus seemed a bit hesitant* Why should I be afraid of anonymous?  There is no way they can shut down the Mako Power grid.

Elena:  But sir, they were able to hack the Shinra website and upload your sex tape with Paris Hilton…

anonymous

Above:  Sorry buddy, but those tattoos make you less “anonymous” don’t they?

RS:  I told you Elena, that wasn’t me!  Besides, Reeves took care of the situation he?

E:  But sir, what about all the Yaoi porn that was uploaded?

RS:  Enough Elena!  The only people who think I’d actually do that kind of stuff are 15 year old fat chicks who are into Cosplay! Daclaud, I only have time for one more question, so make it quick.  I have a dinner meeting coming up in 20 minutes.  Not that I care about being on time or anything.

DL:  If I were an employee, what would a typical day at Shinra be like?

RS:  We’re actually not hiring right now, and things are different than when my father was in charge…

DL:  Yeah I know, shares with Shinra Electric Company’s stock went down by 55% since you took over…

RS:  F*ck you Daclaud.  Get the hell out of my office!

Daclaud Lee

Daclaud Lee is a blogger, writer and webmaster for Random Interviews.