It’s that time of year again, where it’s customary to wear green or get pinched, where drunken frat dudes and their party chicks are bar hopping all over town, getting drunk off of green beer. You guessed it, it’s “St. Paddy’s Day” again and I’m stuck right in the middle of the fray. So what am I doing during the shenanigans? Am I getting drunk off of Natty Light infused with green food coloring? Am I taking advantage of drunken college girls? No, I’m actually too old for that stuff. Don’t tell anyone, but I’m actually keeping my eyes open for a leprechaun for this year’s random interview.
After roaming the streets of Honolulu, the home of Murphy’s Bar and the biggest St. Patrick’s Day party in the entire nation and there was even an Asian dude dressed like a leprechaun. He was an amusing fellow, but not the Leprechaun I wanted to interview.
After some more roaming, I found it… a sign, a rainbow sign that didn’t indicate a gay bar, and the trail of blood… It was the blood that led me to the leprechaun I wanted to interview… And the bodies. The naked bodies. It was strip club. That girl that the little green man was attempting to give a dollar to with his mouth was no doubt on her period…
Daclaud Lee: (trying for my best British accent) Leprechaun! So I’ve found you, knave! Surrender yourself for an interview with Random Interviews at once!
Leprechaun: Ahhh! Who the f*ck are you?
DL: I’m Daclaud Lee from Random Interviews! I request an interview with you, Leprechaun.
L: Well, top of the morning to you too! But really, what in blazes be ye talking about boyo? You sound like you’re from the medieval times! Are ye mad?
DL: Um, no. I’m not mad. In fact I’m quite happy today. I just thought that was how you leprechauns spoke… Sorry if I had the wrong slang going.
L: Not the kind of mad I was referring to… And bloody hell boyo! Let’s get this straight here. I’m Irish, not English! Stop talking out of your arse with that fake British medieval accent and get to the point. What the bloody hell do you want?
DL: Your pot of gold. Actually, I want to interview you for my blog.
L: No one’s ever found me pot of gold in donkey’s years! But if an interview is what you want, then an interview is what you’ll get. So what’s your first question for me interview? I gotta take a hit of this Hash. Light me up Dre!
Dre: Here ya go. That’s some good sheet right there!
DL: Um yeah. I didn’t know you could smoke in here…
L: Well, you can’t, but this is my bar, laddie, so I can do whatever I want.
DL: I won’t argue. So what about the beer? Do you like green beer?
L: Are ye f*cking with me lad? I may be a bit tipsy, but I ain’t off me nut enough to drink that shite! The wee lil’ folk pee in that shite to make it green. Me, personally, I prefer the Black Stuff me self.
DL: That’s certainly news to me. Good thing I’ve never actually had green beer from a bar before. But I think I’ll take you up on Black Stuff. I’ll have a Guinness too. That’s Ireland’s best beer, yeah?
L: You bet your arse it is boyo! While we’re at it, lets order some Jameson and Bailey’s and we’ll make it an Irish Car bomb just for the sake of it being “St. Paddy’s day”.
DL: I’m with ya! (takes shot). Favorite color?
DL: Not green? You sure like to wear it. (who would have known a leprechaun’s favorite color was not green)
L: Green would be my second favorite color.
DL: Your thoughts on Lucky Charm’s cereal?
L: Good god lad! No more stereotypes okay? I hate the cereal with a passion!
Apparently real leprechauns hate Lucky Charms cereal.
DL: Any hobbies?
L: I like to fix shoes! And flirt with the lassies! Ya see those Gnomish lasses over there boyo? I think we should definitely strike up a conversation with them! You still with me boyo?
DL: I think so… Do you think they’re into human men?
L: Are you kidding me lad? Those Gnomish hoors are dying to shack up with a human! They love giving head standing up!
DL: TMI Leprechaun… But yeah, so do you usually go for gnomish chicks? What type of woman do you prefer?
L: Ya know laddie? I’ve been wanting to try me some a Goblin lass! I heard that “once you go green you’ll see what I mean”!
DL: Just like the saying “once you go black, you won’t go back”?
L: Something like that, but I tell you, those green lasses are where it’s at! Baby’s got back!
DL: Hey, look! They have Leapin’ Leprechaun beer! shall we try some?
L: Only if you’re buying boyo!
DL: So what about that pot of gold?
L: What pot of gold? I lost it in the house fire years ago. Now let’s go take home one of these lasses!
DL: Sure… (takes a swig of the Leapin’ Leprechaun Beer). Better put on my beer goggles. I have a feeling I’m going to need them tonight…