Daclaud Lee: Welcome to another edition of Random Interviews Christmas Edition. Today’s interview is with The Real Bad Santa.
The Real Bad Santa: Woo wee!
DL: As a Mall Santa, can you tell me how you got started with your job?
BS: I don’t know. To be honest, I don’t even remember. All that sh*t doesn’t even matter anymore. The point is I was a f*ck up my entire life and somehow, I got my big break when I got my job as a Mall Santa. It happened and that’s all you need to know.
DL: Do you like kids?
BS: Hell no! What the f*ck do you think I am, some kind of pedophile?
DL: I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant, you play Santa Claus at the mall. So naturally shouldn’t you like kids?
BS: I told ya man, I ain’t no f*cking pedophile!
DL: Noted. I’ll just ask the next question then. Do you enjoy your job?
BS: It’s money. I get to drink whiskey all day and it’s pretty damn good money! I make over $100 an hour for 8 weeks. Why else would anyone want to dress up like Santa and have kids piss all over them? Little brats!
DL: Wow, that’s a lot of money! So what do you do during the off season? Are you the Easter bunny too?
BS: I do what I can, but no, but I ain’t the f*cking Easter bunny. Pink ain’t exactly my color. Besides, that job usually doesn’t pay Jack sh*t compared to being Santa, unless you are able to somehow hook up with an entertainment company, but I’m a stand alone guy.
DL: Back in 2013, this chick from mainstream media started a controversial discussion about Santa Claus being a White man. I hate to bring up old debates, but for the people who missed out on her antics. What do you think, Bad Santa? Do you think Santa Claus is a White man?
BS: How is that even a debate? What the f*ck’s the wrong with Santa Claus being a White man? Santa Claus has always been a fat White man, but that don’t mean no one else can be him if there’s no fat, jolly White guy available. For all, I care, Santa could be an anthropomorphic Panda dude from China if that’s the only guy they can hire for the job. Nuff said!
DL: Do you believe in Krampus?
BS: That little sh*t from the movie? Pshh! You gotta be sh*tting me! That guy is ridiculous!
DL: Do you ever attend Santacon?
BS: Hell no! I got money to make! But the Santa fights man, ya gotta love em! Man, it’s the only time of the year when the douche bags dressed like Santas can duke it out with other douche bags dressed like Santas to see who comes out on top! These guys can get sh*t face drunk and beat the living sh*t out of other guys in the snow.
Oh and getting free blowjobs from drunk Mrs. Claus! Who can turn that down? Fun times I’m sure! Fun times! But I get that anyways. You’d be surprised how many broads have a thing for a White guy in a Santa Claus suit. Unfortunately, that’s how I got the clap, but that’s another story.
DL: I’d love to see them do a Santacon in a Muslim country, wouldn’t you? They should do Santacon Kabul.
BS: Only your crazy ass would think of something like that. I don’t think it’d be a good idea unless you’d want your head cut off like a chicken, by one of those terrorist, but if my Santa bros can pull it off, then f*ck yeah!
DL: Aren’t you afraid that Santacon goers are going to give your gig at the mall a bad reputation?
BS: Sh*t man, I ain’t got no reputation! I get sh*t faced drunk doing my job and no one gives a damn!
DL: So you’re not worried that you could potentially traumatize a little kid for life?
BS: Ain’t no such thing as a kid getting traumatized for life! That ain’t possible! Give em a good ass whoopin and he’ll turn out straight. Look at me! I’m a damn fine example!
DL: Why do you need so many security guards?
BS: Man, I’m the rough neck Santa! Security is there to protect all the angry parents from me!
DL: So what are you going to get me for Christmas Santa?
BS: I’m gonna get you a lap dance from the hottest, highest, blood Elf chick ever!
DL: Thank you Bad Santa, but I only wish it were true… You always lied to me when I was a kid. I never actually got what I asked you for.